Izaac and I are part of a ‘secret club’. We’ve been members for just over two years now, and we’re not sure when (or even if) our membership will ever run out. Even if our circumstances and the terms of our memberships do change, we will be life-long supporters and advocates, as we have deeply known what it means to be a part of this group. We, like the others in this ‘club’, are attempting to live with infertility.
I could write another thousand posts about our struggles and the things we have learnt over the last couple of years, but I’ll spare you that. I am slowly getting better at finding the words to describe what we’re going through and our ‘new identities’, however rather than listen to me, I am going to urge you do something else.
We have searched high and low for information (both medical and personal), to read as we navigate this journey of childlessness, and until now have not found a more helpful book than Just the two of us?
Written by two women who have both faced a diagnosis of ‘unexplained infertility’, this book is not just a collection of personal accounts. There are personal testimonies throughout, but they are dispersed between chapters and chapters of writing which is so thoroughly biblical, that I couldn’t believe I had found such a gem of a book.
There are four fantastic sections in the book, looking at the presence of God in our pain, how to cope with the stress of childlessness, the availability of help from various professionals and dealing with the ‘long unknown’ and whether acceptance is really possible?
The book has really shaped how I view our childlessness, especially in terms of my identity, and the meaning of ‘family’. It also served as a rebuke and a reminder to me that even in our infertility we are so richly blessed in Christ.
We never expected to be a part of this taboo ‘club’ that comes with loneliness and grief as a regular side, however we know that God has a good purpose in it. As we struggle to cope in what seems like a very fertile world (!), we have decided to expose our painful struggle, in order to alert you to the fact that 1 in 6 couples will face childlessness, or remind you to follow up that couple you have been meaning to. We yearn for more people to understand and support those who walk the same road as us.
To quote John Wyatt, professor of Ethics and Perinatology at University College London, this book ‘should be essential reading for couples facing the silent pain of infertility and for pastors, Christian counsellors and all those who seek to help and support’.
Please, grab yourself a copy, or ask to borrow ours. You will be doing yourself , us and so many who struggle with infertility a huge favour.
I’m praying for you. And for me and everyone else that we’ll say things to you (and others in your situation) that are sensitive and helpful. Forgive us when we are clueless and stupid.
I look forward to reading the book.
I’ll pray for you guys Sarah. I have been amazed over the past few years just how many people close to us have been going through a similar situation. Just last night we were praying with one of these couples. It is a shame it is one of these things not spoken about much, because for how common it is, we all should be informed, so we can be sensitive and prepared.
As I say, Sarah, will pray that God blesses you guys richly.
PS- also, good on you for having the guts and openess to post this.
Hi Sarah, I was in two minds about replying to this as you don’t really know me (though I too benefited from the godly wisdom of Tracey Gowing). I just wanted to say thanks for this post. It sounds like a fantastic book that every Christian should read.
My husband and I were part of the “club” for 2 years. We have since been blessed with two children (and our third on the way) but I still remember those years. I think the loneliness was the hardest part – particularly as many women my age were getting pregnant and leaving work, moving to morning Bible study groups, talking about baby stuff a lot (which is really inevitable when your whole day is swamped in babies) and thinking about how to be godly mothers.
Because of our experience, I have a heart for women struggling with this issue, but find it so difficult to know how to minister to them from my position (of having almost 3 children). It is particularly difficult with those I have met since I have had children (who would have no idea of how we struggled). Do you have any suggestions in this area?
@ Julie – I am incredibly grateful for families that ‘share’ their kids with me & my husband – often having us over for meals, going out for hot chocolates, trips to the aquarium, birthday parties and picnic – in other words, allowing us to play & develop a special bond with their kids. It helps fill a big aching hole for me. For others it may not be so helpful, but I’ve found it amazingly comforting.
Bonnie
Glad to see you back in blogosphere! And thanks for this post. The wonder of sharing your story is that you will find many comrades in arms. You also let us know of something that we can pray about for you – even though we have not met. And for ones such as yourselves, with hearts for ministry, you become a godly resource for others. May God bless you richly in all these things as He works in and through your situation in perfect wisdom. Praying for you. Mxx
Hi Sarah, you don’t know me either, but I am another who wanted to say thanks for posting this. I was actually looking at this book in a catalogue this week and thinking of buying it and sharing it with a friend of mine. Do you think it has helpful information for those people facing secondary infertility after already having children (the situation my friend is in)?
I conceived relatively easily with my first two kids but we then tried for over two years before we had our third, that was difficult but I can’t even imagine how it must feel to walk in your shoes. The hardest thing for me was being in a church where everyone seemed to be falling pregnant so easily (or even without trying!) and were quite happy to tell everyone that it was easy. That can be hard to hear.
And I’m with Ben…it takes guts to post something like this so early in your blogging days so thanks so much for doing so. I haven’t blogged for long myself and don’t think I could come close to writing anything as close to my heart as you have.
What treasures you all are! Thank you for your kind words and your prayers.
@Simone – We’ve grown thicker skins through this experience and now can cop most comments on the chin. When someone’s words hurt a little too much, we only have to remind ourselves that before we were in this situation, it was us who were saying the dumb things and putting our feet in our mouths all too often!
@Ben – Although it was a tough post to write, it was also a ‘therapeutic’ one! Good on you guys for praying with that couple you know – we all need friends of our marriages, especially when trying to walk the hard road of infertility.
@Julie – Thanks for commenting, I’m glad you did. I’m really sorry to hear about your heartache as you longed for children those two years. What a joy your kids must be, particularly after what you’d been through! Although it sounds like a strange thing to hope for, but I hope that you don’t forget those hard years as time goes by, because those memories will help you to minister more effectively to those who are going through the same experiences. I think it is important to be really open about your previous struggles (as much as you and your husband feel comfortable) as it gives others a sense of ‘permission’ to feel like they can talk about their own experience. It’s hard to comment further on how you could go about ministering to this particular group of people, because I know that everyone is SO different, and what might be helpful to one couple, might actually be the worst nightmare to another. Small stuff like asking if they need help to clean their bathroom once in a while, or make some meals up for them can also just be a practical way to help and show you know how difficult it is, as well as ASKING how they’re going. I know for us, it has meant a lot when someone asks us this, as it shows us they are remembering our pain and allows us to ask for help if we need it. Thoughts?
@Meredith – Thanks for commenting, and I’m glad you found the post helpful. It’s really true that once you share you’re story, many others come ‘out of the woods’, and you can then be an encouragement to one another. Thanks for praying!
@Karen – Hi! The book would be helpful in many ways for your friend facing secondary infertility. The information that I found helpful in the book that I can imagine being helpful for your friend too was the stuff on blessing – can we consider ourselves fully blessed even when God seemingly witholds the blessing of children? Also, the stuff thinking about where God is in our pain, and there is an actual chapter specifically on secondary infertility, miscarriage and still-birth and dealing with those. I haven’t really done justice to the book with my explanation, but it really is a great and helpful read which I think will encourage, and rebuke whoever reads it!
Hi Sarah,
Another reader you don’t know, piping up to say I’m glad you’ve posted this. Having been a member of that ‘secret club’ for three years now, with no end in sight,I agree that it is a deeply painful and challenging road we are on. I’m glad to know about this book and will chase it up. I also think it’s important we talk more about infertility – it is odd, though perhaps understandable, that so much secrecy and shame surrounds it. Like you, I’ve learned to cop a lot of those thoughtless comments on the chin and do pray for grace not to be bitter because I know people usually mean well, but I think talking more about how it feels for different people might help create a bit more pastoral sensitivity among Christians.
In turn, I wonder if this can open up a conversation about childlessness and loss for single people, who, in my experience, can struggle with the pain of this in different ways and are similarly often not given much space to express that.
@Joanna – Thanks so much for your honesty, I will be praying that God will help you to persevere. I also find the shame aspect of infertility interesting. Why is it that so many of us feel ashamed about our struggles? In a lot of cases it is through no fault of our own that the situation arises, often just medical issues which are a result of our fallen humanity. At other times there is no explanation at all. Does shame spring forth from our inability to fulfill the command of God to ‘be fruitful and multiply’? Is it that we feel ‘faulty’? I am not sure what it is for me, but I am working hard to get rid of the feeling, because I think there’s no basis for it.
In my sinful selfishness I often overlook the pain that many single people feel about the issue of childlessness. I have been speaking to one of my closer single friends about it lately, and I hope she will keep me accountable in praying for these sisters (and brothers!). Does anyone else have any suggestions as to how we can support those in this situation?
Dear Sarah,
I am so glad I stumbled across your blog. Your honesty with your struggle is encouraging. It is so nice to see your smiley face around college and I hope to get to know you better over the years to come. Thankyou for sharing what I am sure is very difficult for you both.
Sincerely
Laura
@Laura – It’s been great seeing you around at college too, and your little ones. I still remember the first week I saw you and the family under the grapevine, and your sweet little girl came and told me that she was off to swimming lessons – no ‘hello’ or anything! Very cute!
I prayed that my openness would be an encouragement to others, so I am thankful that God has answered this request.
Hi Sarah,
I’m a member too – going on 3 years soon. I think being open and honest with people is a wonderful way to encourage others who struggle, as well as letting our Christian brother’s and sister’s share in our lives – even the hard bits.
I’ll be praying for you and Izaac.
Bonnie
@Bonnie – Nice of you to drop by. I’ve been reading about your story for some time now over at your blog (not sure how I ended up there!) and am really sorry to hear about the ‘hard bits’ in your life. I appreciate your sharing too. I really liked the suggestions you gave about how those with children are able to minister to those dealing with childlessness. When others ‘share’ their kids with us, we really enjoy it too.
Thanks for putting it out there Sarah. xc
Thanks for sharing your story. This book sounds really helpful.
Kath
I’m single, 35, and I feel my eggs drying up as I type. But I think at least no one expects me to have children. It’s a different pain, but perhaps because of everyone’s expectations it’s an easier one?
Anyway, things that are helpful for me:
1. Seeing the tough side of marriage and parenting – not just the joys
2. Sharing in both with friends – both the tough and the joyous.
@George – A different pain, but still pain as you say. Thanks for saying that things that are helpful for you. Any specifics of how you share in the tough and joyous times of marriage and parenting with others?
I go to my morning church sometimes. Even though I thought it would be hard (90% of people there are married) it actually helps because my church has been wonderful at inviting me over. I get to know the parents, and I get to know the children.
I still go to evening church, and I don’t make morning church every week (usually only the weeks I’m on music) but it’s enough to have a relationship.
Also, my church has mixed bible study with morning and evening church people. That’s been awesome.
And friends inviting me over to hang with them and their family – that’s awesome too. I eat 90% of my meals by myself otherwise.
Hi Sarah (et al!)
A couple of thoughts – I think there are a number of different aspects to the pain of infertility – in my experience the pain of not having children and the pain of not being able to conceive are fairly separate most of the time. It’s the not being able to conceive that seems to produce the shame, and I think you are right, it’s tied to our deep expectation about what our bodies are meant to be able to do. Perhaps, George, this is the point you are making, too, about the different kinds of pain that come with childlessness for different reasons.
On your other point, the pain of infertility has the potential to make us bitter and envious – and goodness me, I know it! – but it also has the potential to open our eyes (if we haven’t previously been aware of it) of what it’s like to feel different and a failure (especially at church!), to have loss, to be out of control, to not have hope. Those are common experiences for so many and I hope that my own pain is teaching me how to be gentle.
That may be enough openness for one day, but thanks again for starting this conversation, Sarah.
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